The first of many other ramblings.

Sickness gave us a chance to pause and think, if we know how to use that time given wisely.

I have a friend, that I truly adore. For his intellect, for his wise words, for his values. He used to have Facebook, and he would post a whole load of articles and videos relating to various world issues, and us being Muslims, most particularly things related to Palestine, Syria, Egypt and the likes of them. There would be only a few who would actually comment, or even bother to read the articles or watched the videos, and these few people were usually the same circle of people. I used to read them all, watch them all and enjoyed reading through the comments and feeding my brain with some intellectual discussions. I would share them, even when I know not many people would even bother to take a glimpse of it.

Post a video of a music video or people doing silly stuff, and you'll get dozens of  'likes'. Post a video of real world issues, no one bothers.

This friend no longer has Facebook, and after he deactivated his account there, I became one of those Facebookers I used to loath. His articles are no longer there to feed my brain, and I am too busy worrying about my life issues that I don't bother to look for them myself. Facebook started to become a place to let out my anger and frustration. I worry too much about money, about how I'm going to pay those bills, about the clothes that I will wear.. it has to be nice, for that guy that I wish so hard will just say a simple hi to me. I became the exact kind of person I wish I would never be. I became part of the world I loathe. And I throw it all out on the virtual wall.

I am ashamed of it all. I wish I can just delete every single one of them, but there are loads of them and going through them all would be a waste of time. It has been done, the words have been said, even if you take them back, what is done is done.

My point is, I am way too far, too lost from what I used to believe and fight for. I know this is insufficient perhaps compared to those that actually went to the land of the war and fight side by side with the locals, but words are all I have, words are the only way I know how to fight this fight.

As what the beloved friend of mine once said, the aim is to spread awareness. And that is exactly what I want to do with this blog. Spread awareness and kill the ignorance.

I hope I would actually do it and not let this be the first and the last. Hehe. Good luck to me! =D

In regards to Irshad Manji..

It would be great if we don't have to ban Irshad Manji's book for the sake of 'freedom' la konon, then these people won't have the right to say how we Muslims are all control freaks.. but this time around I agree, we should ban it. (After I buy it and have a read of it myself.Hehe.) 


Thing is, Malaysian Muslims, especially the young and ignorant ones.. are too easily strayed off; never ever underestimate the power of words. She has some points in what she's saying, but still most of it are too ridiculous. You should always question everything you came across, but in terms of religion, your questions should be aimed for you to get a better understanding, not to mock or reform it . 


I haven't actually read her books, but it seems like she's looking for a reformation in Islam, like she wants to change the religion to suit her, instead of the other way round. Do correct me if I am wrong.. 


There are some critical questions that she asks which bothers me a lot..  She has apparently question the validity of some Quranic verses, saying that it is confusing and contradicting, as well as saying that prayer's are ridiculous. But then I only read this in a newspaper clipping, never actually right from the book itself, and therefore it could have been altered. 

I am actually looking forward in getting the book, would help me thinking, and then perhaps challenge her ideologies as well if I do get the chance.. 

The Start of an Infatuation : Part 1.

As I look at you and your ever so shy smile,

The softness of your voice as you speak to me,

As the stolen gazes were thrown at my side,

The hidden but ever so peculiar repartee.

My mind can be very quaint and whimsical,

The desires of my heart at times overwhelming,

My beating heart though crushed starts to twinkle,

The rationale of my mind then forces itself as affirming.

So, i am lost. random rambling.

Wake up. Do things. Work. Eat. Survive. 

This is us. Is it satisfying to do this every day? Is this enough? Its not like we don't know.. but they...

They wake up. They fight. They struggle. They starve. Today, they might have survived. Tomorrow, they may not.

I want to jump into their arms, I want to held them and tell them I'm sorry. Sorry that I am here, living every freaking day with relatively minimal problems, and yet I whined, and do nothing for them. I feel their pain, and yet I sit here and stay motionless. I hear their cries, but I am helpless. 

Why am I here, if I can do nothing for them? Why am I here, if my actions doesn't reach them? Why am I here, if my words doesn't change anything for them? Why am I here? 

I am stagnant, I am helpless, I am lost. 

The no 1 thing I would make sure my children do

..apart from submitting themselves to Allah of course..

I will make sure they learn how to make a decision and think of their life choices at an early age, and feel good about it instead of feeling like it is something forceful.

I never had that. I ran away every time, and my parents were forced to decide for me. The psych degree was my choice, but that was about it. So when I have a child of my own, InsyaALlah.. I'll guide them to it, and hopefully when they are as old as I am right now, they already have a solid idea in their mind of what they want to achieve and who they want to be.

As for me right now.. I am as lost as a 2 year old child. I salute most of my friends who knows what they want, and are already on the way to fulfill their destiny.

Read.. and you’ll understand better. Do not read, and continue being silently oppressed.

Democracy.. Malaysian style.

Written by my dear friend Amalul. There’s only one part of the article that bothers me, and if you understand me well you should know which part (sorry dear, we can’t always agree. i br perasan when i read it again, which is why it wasn’t mention in my reply to you. hehe) . But the rest of the article is superb. Very valid arguments, concisely written, from my point of view. 

I wouldn’t say the oppositions can surely lead the country better, but the current gov definitely need and must improve themselves in a lot of areas. Like what Amal wrote in the article, we are not indebted to them in any way, they are supposed to lead us to success anyway. I think the first thing they should change is : to start listening to the people, and stop asking people to listen to them. 

A Muslim by choice.

I would love to meet and marry a guy who is a Muslim by choice. I remained a Muslim by choice, but I became a Muslim because my parents are Muslims. They became one because their parents are also Muslims. And so on..

But someone who wasn't born a Muslim, who grew up as a believer of any other religion, but then embraces Islam based on his/her own rationale choice, is truly amazing.

And I would really love to meet one. They're truly blessed.

Btw, tried to search for a muslimbychoice pics, couldn't find one, and this one is just superbly awesome so i decide to put it here. took it from deviantart, done by kaela16. she has a beautiful gallery, here's a link to it, do check it out: http://kaela16.deviantart.com/gallery/

I love food.

This is my version of potato gratin. Basically a dish of baked potatoes with cream and cheese. Yummyyyyy!

Tried to re-create what i usually tasted, made by my chef to be cousin, but semestinyalah x jadi spt dia. haha!~ the potato wasn't as soft, xcukup lame masak dah lapar.. hee.. but it was yummy enough. =)

tibe2 rajin nak update pasal personal things pagi2 bute ni kan.. hehe..

Macam mana nk kurus? makan bende2 gini je.. haih~

The train ride to the land of smiles.

[This is a personal blog post.]

Since dah lame gile x update, terase seperti nk update namun kemalasan mahu perah otak for something intellectual, maka terhasil lah blog post ini..... =P

We went to Hatyai, Thailand for several days last week during the school holidays. Since my little sister have never taken the train to anywhere before, we decided to begin and end the journey with a train ride.

Here comes the pics....

my bro and sis.

the gerai's at night. there are muslims and non muslims sellers.

the masjid in hatyai kot.. or was it songkhla? hehe.

Floating market.

The modern tuk tuks. no longer using the scooter like vehicles. And at the back is our hotel.

It was good. The whole trip. The last time i traveled anywhere by train was like ages ago back when i was a small child, so its a great experience for me. Been to Thailand before, was in Bangkok years back, but Hatyai was a bit more peaceful compared to Bangkok. And there's a lot of Muslims too, so food wasn't a problem at all. Its just at the border btw, you can drive your own car there, so its quite a good place to go to for a weekend escape... if you know how to drive aggressively, the drivers here are beasts on the road, everyone's seems to be racing for something.

You can say I'm stupid..

..and perhaps I am. but I'd rather be this way, then continuously having bad thoughts about people.

Thing is, we had a ceiling air ventilator installed today. My father told the guy to installed it on top of the door. So the guy shut the door every time he had to installed it, in every room, to make it easier I guess. Me being the usual airhead, don't think of anything weird bout that. But then my brother comes out of his room and marah semua orang, since we didn't care to check, a stranger in our rooms, alone.. it took me several seconds to fathom why he was so angry. pelik ke tak tu? honestly, bukan nk tunjuk baik, but i have no thoughts whatsoever that the situation wasn't a nice one, that there's a risk of the guy being a bad guy, that he might have intention to steal something. SERIOUSLY. xterfikir langsung. luckily, so far, nothing is loss.

You could say its stupidity, or you could call it innocence, or.. I dunno.. But I guess in this world we live in today, perhaps this one characteristic that I possess is a danger towards myself. Is it?

It's better to be sorry than safe.

Paulo Coelho said those lines in my title. owh btw, when driving it's a whole different story. hahaha

Anyways...

is it better to let things go even when it bothers you a lot or is better to actually confront the problem?

i think most people would say it is better to confront.

then is it better to confront it than to just let it go, even when you know if you went and confront it, it will only give you more pain?

most people would say no. kan? so did one of my best friend. she's the only one i consulted regarding the matter anyway. haha.

I've been told by F a dozen times, of how stubborn i am.. and I know how he hated that part of me. But, I am just one of those few people who would actually go and confront the problem even when I know the consequences would be nasty. Because I cant live with 1001 questions lingering in my head every second of my life.

Is it wrong to demand a person to at least respect you? Sure, it is his prerogative to ignore me, but it is also my right to know why, isn't it? is it? no? yes?

I wont judge him bcoz, one-i don't really know him.. and two- as i had said earlier, it is his right. But i still want to exercise my rights to ask why.

Btw, to all men out there who happens to read this.. remember this:

For a woman, it is better to be rejected than to be ignored. When you tell her the truth, and reject her politely, sure she will hurt.. a lot. But she'll get over it, and at least she knows that she didn't made a mistake of liking an asshole. If you ignored her, it is like.. stomping all over her pride, her intelligence, her dignity. It only proves that you are a jerk and it will make the whole thing worst when she realizes it, because no one wants to be in love with a jerk. And no one wants to be left hanging, especially when you did flirted with her and gave her the wrong idea in the first place.

Sadly, most men are stupid enough to think that they are doing us girls a favor by ignoring us. *sigh*

and owh! I HOPE MANCHESTER UNITED SCREW THE REDS TONIGHT! actually, am pretty sure Liverpool will lose. muahahahaha.

[and yes once again i deleted a post i have written. so dun go looking for it, sudah dihapuskan. ngeh.]

Negativity is never good.

I am obese, and I am surrounded by pretty cousins.

I hate whiners. I wont whine much. It is my own fault that am fat.

Just saying, it kills me to snap pics happily, go back and look at it again.. only to realize that you are freaking ugly, compared to those around you.

Its no one's fault, just.. I do have an inferiority complex whenever am around my cousins, especially my mother's side. I don't give a damn even if some beauty queen is beside me, my self esteem stays intact,tho maybe it drops a lil bit.. but when its my cousins or friends of my cousins or bf or anyone who has anythg to do wif fam.. it just drops down to zero.

I think perhaps the reason being is my past. Because they know who and how i was in my past. Because being a psychology student, I know its not easy to change a person's first impression about you. And I know what kind of jerk I was back then. And so the main reason for the extreme inferiority whenever they are around is fear.. fear of not being accepted, because I want to be accepted. When its non family, who cares even if they choose to hate me. But rather than trying, I just choose to withdraw. Because its easier that way. *Okay, sila tumbuk saya sekarang, saya memang teruk.*

I am such a lost soul. I dont want to use my obesity as a demotivation, but thats exactly what's happening. *Sekali lagi, anda dibenarkan menumbuk dan menyepak saya sekarang.*

Redha.. Is what i hope to achieved.

In case there is a slight feeling of concern or curiosity in your heart..

Know that at times I still wish I had approached you sooner. I still wish you would reappear. I still long to see your smile again. I still have very strong feelings for you.

Ramadhan is a holy month. Miracles happens, prayer's answered.. If we are sincere enough and Allah wills.

I pray.. Allah will help me understand.

Di saat

Found this in Hanis Zalikha's blog, which she found in another person's blog. just too good, have to share it. no idea who's the original writer tho. silalah baca, sangat bagus. i especially like the last part. hayatilah~

Di saat

Disaat kamu ingin melepaskan seseorang
ingatlah pada saat kamu ingin mendapatkannya



Disaat kamu mulai tidak mencintainya
ingatlah saat pertama kamu jatuh cinta padanya



Disaat kamu mulai bosan dengannya
ingatlah selalu saat terindah bersamanya



Disaat kamu ingin menduakannya
bayangkan jika dia selalu setia



Saat kamu ingin membohonginya
ingatlah disaat dia jujur padamu



Maka kamu akan merasakan arti dia untukmu
Jangan sampai disaat dia sudah tidak disisimu,
Kamu baru menyadari semua arti dirinya untukmu




Yang indah hanya sementara
Yang abadi adalah kenangan
Yang ikhlas hanya dari hati
Yang tulus hanya dari sanubari



Tidak mudah mencari yang hilang
Tidak mudah mengejar impian



Namun yg lebih susah mempertahankan yg ada
Karena walaupun tergenggam bisa terlepas juga
Ingatlah pada pepatah, "Jika kamu tidak memiliki apa yang kamu sukai, maka sukailah apa yang kamu miliki saat ini"



Belajar menerima apa adanya dan berpikir positif
Hidup bagaikan mimpi, seindah apapun,
begitu bangun semuanya sirna tak berbekas
Rumah mewah bagai istana, harta benda yang tak terhitung, kedudukan, dan jabatan yg luar biasa, namun..



Ketika nafas terakhir tiba, sebatang jarum pun tak bisa dibawa pergi
Sehelai benang pun tak bisa dimiliki
Apalagi yang mau diperebutkan
Apalagi yang mau disombongkan



Maka jalanilah hidup ini dengan keinsafan nurani
Jangan terlalu perhitungan
Jangan hanya mau menang sendiri
Jangan suka sakiti sesama apalagi terhadap mereka yang berjasa bagi kita
Belajarlah tiada hari tanpa kasih
Selalu berlapang dada dan mengalah
Hidup ceria, bebas leluasa



Tak ada yang tak bisa di ikhlaskan
Tak ada sakit hati yang tak bisa dimaafkan
Tak ada dendam yang tak bisa terhapus.

My biggest regret.

I am finally done with my degree. And now I am somehow lost. no, wait, I've always been lost. Lost and having no specific direction whatsoever at all. hmph. but now am even more lost. haha. okay2, too much pembebelan x berfaedah.

Anywayyy.. my results are bad. seriously, honestly. it's bad. and the worst thing of all is that, realizing why I didn't score for my papers only after I'm done with them all doesn't help much. I regretted every second of it. I have always been interested in Psychology. When i entered IIUM Matric i was still passionate bout it. Then I entered the main campus, was introduced to a boy, and I let him preoccupy my mind soooo much that nothing else sticks in there anymore. And everything changes. And i let it go on for 3 years. Stoooooooopid~~~~

*Just for the record, in case you read this F, am not blaming you, it is entirely my own mistake.MY BIG MISTAKE.*

They told me about it. in matric. dun get involved with a boy, especially international students, you'll get drifted away from ur studies. and at that time i was like.. 'owhh yea I'll keep that in mind,definitely'. masuk2 main campus, I did the exact opposite.

Every class i go to for the past 4 years except in my final and final short semester there, I entered the class and force myself to study just so that i won't fail. I never really listen. I never got myself engaged in what was being taught. And dammit I can't possibly describe how I hate myself now for that. I know i have the brain, but i never had the will. And you know where there is no will, nothing will be achieved.

And I wonder, now that the will is back, is it too late?

this is a new beginning!

[Reebok Crosswalk V7,and my Adidas running shoes]

papa bought a treadmill recently. [okayyy not recently, bout a month ago.hehe] and it came with a free personalized advice from a personal trainer. so, thought i'd share what i remembered here.

1] if you're overweight[like me.huu], don't run, coz it'll hurt your ankles. so buat speed slow je..

2] exercise first, then eat. if you must eat first, wait 2hours after, baru exercise.. exercise around an hour before you plan to eat.

explanation: our body will only take the nutrients from the food we take when needed, so if you eat when the nutrients are not needed yet, it will only become waste. so, when you exercise, our body will be tired and the need for the nutrients would be there, and so every nutrients that came in with the food we take will be absorb by the intestines. haa begitulah.

3] cardio first, then weight training. i've heard many variations of this, some say if you do weight training first then you'll burn more calories while doing cardio. but according to these particular personal trainer, cardio first. explanation: i x ingat. hahahahaha~

4] using treadmill, must wear running shoes. or if you're running outside ke jogging ke, applicable jugak kot. coz normal sport shoes don't have the support system designed to protect you ankles. [terpakse g beli tadi. haha. mahall pulak tuh. huish.]

5] i always thought we need to stretched before and after exercising. but nope, he said only stretched out after the whole exercise routine for the day is done.

explanation: when you first start exercising, your muscles are still hard,mcm frozen..kot. so you gotta let it soften up gradually. he gave me this example: imagine meat taken out from the freezer. it's hard, impossible to be stretched. that's how our muscles are right after waking up. if you forced the muscles to be stretched out jugak, might damaged it. but i think, perhaps klu dah mcm active before exercising tu okay kot.

6] muscles klu sakit, jangan pergi urut. it will damaged it even more. i forgot his explanation for this one too. hehehe.

7] drink loadssss of water. [classic advice kot. =P]

8] lepas exercise, don't put yourself in an air conditioned room, coz when you exercise your body has already been dehydrated, air-cond will only dehydrate it even more.

9] cardio+weight training+consistency= nice bod. hehe.

10] he said, note that this is his personal opinion.. for running shoes, his preferred brands would be adidas, new balance, or mizuno. nike, according to him, is designed beautifully, but not so in function and it doesn't last as long. [i love nike tho, cantekkk~~.but end up buying adidas gak, sb sy ikot la ckp die ni. he is a certified personal trainer, after all]

sooo that's it kot. xbyk pon [if i remembered more, i'll add up]. but he sure is cute. hahahahaha~ kinda look like kenji, actually.

i need 10 months to reach my ideal weight. need to burn 500 calories per day,every day. lame+tiring gile kot~ but at least it's under a year. so hopefully, by my birthday next year and my own wedding tah bile tah nanti [hehehe], i'll have a superb bod. insyaAllah. =)

sakit lagi.

litres of tears i've cried,
thousands blinking stars i've waited,
love as pure as a child's eyes i've poured,

and still you walk away.

------------------------------------------------------------------

this.. is written last year,bout F.

F. will always be my number 1 choice. dun ask me why.

i keep on coming back every time i got myself heartbroken, and F, newsflash! i got my heart broken again.. *sigh* *i know, i never learn*

so make sure you stay away from me. haha.

Pizzazz

when i'm bored.,i love to cook. or bake. sesuke hati tanpe mengikut recipe. ngehehe. so this is my pizza, made it with mama tadi. tepi2 die ade sket terbakar lame sgt, but it's good! surprisingly. heee.

another pic..

wish i can cook for my guy. or bake for him. anything he wants. if i shall failed, hangus or whatever,hehe.. then i'll do it again n again til i get it right. ahh love, where in the world are you? my heart misses you..

just a thought.

felt like i should say something bout it even though the issue is like a week ago nye issue.. hee

i've lived in Sarawak for yearsss, and i've heard Christian friends and strangers using the word Allah multiple countless times.. and i have not much problem with it,though of course i felt a bit weird hearing it. coz they are merely referring to God, in their context, and not from the Islamic concept of God. they have not much hidden agenda there, it;s just the way they are used to.. it's been used for ages..

But, to claim the right to use it legally,... is another story.

why now? why all of a sudden? if it's just in sarawak then i understand, coz like i said before, its been used for ages.. its a norm to them, but for the people outside of Sarawak.. outside Sabah.. i've never heard them referring to their God using the word ALlah before..so why sebok2 now?

to me,the question is not whether it is okay to use it, the question is.. why do you want to use the word, that in Malaysia, had been associated with Islam for years?? why??

owh i would write so much more, but i don't think i'd want to risk being taken by the ISA or whatever.. haha.

and people, burning churches and all is just freaking stupid. Islam never teaches us to practice violence, so why are you doing things that puts Islam to a bad name? our initial fight is to protect our religion, but with these people doing stupid things like that, doesn't that jeopardize the sanctity of Islam itself?

i never want our people to fight with each other like that. glad that it's cooling down lately though.

Pointless Cruelty.

i am currently working in a learning centre [as they called it..tho i still think its a tuition centre anyway.. what big difference is the two anyway?? but they'll get mad if you say its a tuition centre.so i respect my employer's opinion. it is a learning centre.]

and i have always been fascinated at how the parents of the kids here are just extremely cruel. okay, not extremely cruel, but too pressuring, they have such high expectations of their children.

its school holidays, and yes, i do agree even though it is, they still need to do their revision. but these parents.. one of my students said they have to go to tuition every freaking day, even though its school holidays.. and then they had to come to this so call learning centre am teaching in.

okay perhaps that is still not so bad.

but even during normal school days.. some of these kids had told me that they're going to 3 different learning related things in one day. every single freaking day. tuition, the learning centre am working in, piano lesson and bla bla bla...

perhaps this is normal to other people, but it is so not normal to me. my parents does sent me to a tuition centre, but not 2 of them at once [learning centre=tuition centre, the same,according to me]. i agree wif the extra piano/art/singing/ballet or wateva lesson you wanna send your children to coz it does gives them an advantage later, an extra skill they can sell to their future employers as well as the opportunity for them to develop their soft skills. but 2 tuitions at once? wtf??

the thing is.. its bad enough that they had to go to school half a day and then to curriculum activities during the evening.. then they had to go the learning centre, and then at night they'll have to go to tuition.. and God knows where they fit in the ballet or piano or wateva lesson..

these kids clearly have no life,man. no life at all.

i don't think i would want to torture my kid like that. i'll probably just sent them to a tuition centre and ballet/art/piano lesson. and Qur'an reading lessons,of course.

but never 2 tuition at once. why on earth would they need 2 at once??