Negativity is never good.

I am obese, and I am surrounded by pretty cousins.

I hate whiners. I wont whine much. It is my own fault that am fat.

Just saying, it kills me to snap pics happily, go back and look at it again.. only to realize that you are freaking ugly, compared to those around you.

Its no one's fault, just.. I do have an inferiority complex whenever am around my cousins, especially my mother's side. I don't give a damn even if some beauty queen is beside me, my self esteem stays intact,tho maybe it drops a lil bit.. but when its my cousins or friends of my cousins or bf or anyone who has anythg to do wif fam.. it just drops down to zero.

I think perhaps the reason being is my past. Because they know who and how i was in my past. Because being a psychology student, I know its not easy to change a person's first impression about you. And I know what kind of jerk I was back then. And so the main reason for the extreme inferiority whenever they are around is fear.. fear of not being accepted, because I want to be accepted. When its non family, who cares even if they choose to hate me. But rather than trying, I just choose to withdraw. Because its easier that way. *Okay, sila tumbuk saya sekarang, saya memang teruk.*

I am such a lost soul. I dont want to use my obesity as a demotivation, but thats exactly what's happening. *Sekali lagi, anda dibenarkan menumbuk dan menyepak saya sekarang.*

~

If you see me walking the road with someone else
It is not because I like his company
It is because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
It is not because he pleases me
It is because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
It is not because I love him
It is because you were not there to catch me as i fall.
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going.
Are we gonna cross each other's path.
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
It's you I want to walk with
Don't let me talk of him
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for him
It's you I want to fall in love with..

*not mine, found it on the internet. heartbreaking. I really wish it was all a big misunderstanding.. but I dunno.. one can only hope...

Redha.. Is what i hope to achieved.

In case there is a slight feeling of concern or curiosity in your heart..

Know that at times I still wish I had approached you sooner. I still wish you would reappear. I still long to see your smile again. I still have very strong feelings for you.

Ramadhan is a holy month. Miracles happens, prayer's answered.. If we are sincere enough and Allah wills.

I pray.. Allah will help me understand.

Di saat

Found this in Hanis Zalikha's blog, which she found in another person's blog. just too good, have to share it. no idea who's the original writer tho. silalah baca, sangat bagus. i especially like the last part. hayatilah~

Di saat

Disaat kamu ingin melepaskan seseorang
ingatlah pada saat kamu ingin mendapatkannya



Disaat kamu mulai tidak mencintainya
ingatlah saat pertama kamu jatuh cinta padanya



Disaat kamu mulai bosan dengannya
ingatlah selalu saat terindah bersamanya



Disaat kamu ingin menduakannya
bayangkan jika dia selalu setia



Saat kamu ingin membohonginya
ingatlah disaat dia jujur padamu



Maka kamu akan merasakan arti dia untukmu
Jangan sampai disaat dia sudah tidak disisimu,
Kamu baru menyadari semua arti dirinya untukmu




Yang indah hanya sementara
Yang abadi adalah kenangan
Yang ikhlas hanya dari hati
Yang tulus hanya dari sanubari



Tidak mudah mencari yang hilang
Tidak mudah mengejar impian



Namun yg lebih susah mempertahankan yg ada
Karena walaupun tergenggam bisa terlepas juga
Ingatlah pada pepatah, "Jika kamu tidak memiliki apa yang kamu sukai, maka sukailah apa yang kamu miliki saat ini"



Belajar menerima apa adanya dan berpikir positif
Hidup bagaikan mimpi, seindah apapun,
begitu bangun semuanya sirna tak berbekas
Rumah mewah bagai istana, harta benda yang tak terhitung, kedudukan, dan jabatan yg luar biasa, namun..



Ketika nafas terakhir tiba, sebatang jarum pun tak bisa dibawa pergi
Sehelai benang pun tak bisa dimiliki
Apalagi yang mau diperebutkan
Apalagi yang mau disombongkan



Maka jalanilah hidup ini dengan keinsafan nurani
Jangan terlalu perhitungan
Jangan hanya mau menang sendiri
Jangan suka sakiti sesama apalagi terhadap mereka yang berjasa bagi kita
Belajarlah tiada hari tanpa kasih
Selalu berlapang dada dan mengalah
Hidup ceria, bebas leluasa



Tak ada yang tak bisa di ikhlaskan
Tak ada sakit hati yang tak bisa dimaafkan
Tak ada dendam yang tak bisa terhapus.

My biggest regret.

I am finally done with my degree. And now I am somehow lost. no, wait, I've always been lost. Lost and having no specific direction whatsoever at all. hmph. but now am even more lost. haha. okay2, too much pembebelan x berfaedah.

Anywayyy.. my results are bad. seriously, honestly. it's bad. and the worst thing of all is that, realizing why I didn't score for my papers only after I'm done with them all doesn't help much. I regretted every second of it. I have always been interested in Psychology. When i entered IIUM Matric i was still passionate bout it. Then I entered the main campus, was introduced to a boy, and I let him preoccupy my mind soooo much that nothing else sticks in there anymore. And everything changes. And i let it go on for 3 years. Stoooooooopid~~~~

*Just for the record, in case you read this F, am not blaming you, it is entirely my own mistake.MY BIG MISTAKE.*

They told me about it. in matric. dun get involved with a boy, especially international students, you'll get drifted away from ur studies. and at that time i was like.. 'owhh yea I'll keep that in mind,definitely'. masuk2 main campus, I did the exact opposite.

Every class i go to for the past 4 years except in my final and final short semester there, I entered the class and force myself to study just so that i won't fail. I never really listen. I never got myself engaged in what was being taught. And dammit I can't possibly describe how I hate myself now for that. I know i have the brain, but i never had the will. And you know where there is no will, nothing will be achieved.

And I wonder, now that the will is back, is it too late?

ini betul.

1.Jika kamu melayannya dengan baik, dia fikir kamu jatuh cinta kepadanya.
Jika tidak, kamu akan dianggapnya sombong.

2. Jika kamu berpakaian cantik, dia fikir kamu sedang cuba untuk menggodanya.
Jika tidak, dia kata kamu kekampungan.

3. Jika kamu berdebat dengannya, dia kata kamu keras kepala.
Jika kamu berdiam diri, dia kata kamu tak ada IQ tinggi.

4. Jika kamu lebih pintar daripada dia, dia akan jatuh air muka.
Jika dia yang lebih pintar, dia bilang hebat.

5. Jika kamu tidak cinta padanya, dia akan cuba mendapatkanmu bermati-matian.
Jika kamu mencintainya, dia akan cuba untuk meninggalkanmu.

6. Jika kamu beritahu dia masalahmu, dia kata kamu menyusahkan.
Jika tidak, dia tuduh kamu tidak mempercayainya..

7. Jika kamu cerewet padanya, dia anggap kamu seperti seorang pengasuh .
Jika dia yang cerewet pada kamu, itu kerana dia mengambil berat.

8. Jika kamu mungkir janji kamu, kamu tidak boleh dipercayai.
Jika dia yang ingkari janjinya, dia melakukannya kerana terpaksa.

9. Jika kamu menyakitinya, kamu sangat kejam.
Jika dia yang menyakitimu, itu kerana kamu terlalu sensitif dan terlalu sukar
untuk dijaga hati.

10. Jika kamu mengirimkan ini pada lelaki-lelaki, mereka pasti bersumpah semua
ini tidak benar.

sy setuju. apply to most men laa, tho not all men is like that. kan? hmmph.

this is a new beginning!

[Reebok Crosswalk V7,and my Adidas running shoes]

papa bought a treadmill recently. [okayyy not recently, bout a month ago.hehe] and it came with a free personalized advice from a personal trainer. so, thought i'd share what i remembered here.

1] if you're overweight[like me.huu], don't run, coz it'll hurt your ankles. so buat speed slow je..

2] exercise first, then eat. if you must eat first, wait 2hours after, baru exercise.. exercise around an hour before you plan to eat.

explanation: our body will only take the nutrients from the food we take when needed, so if you eat when the nutrients are not needed yet, it will only become waste. so, when you exercise, our body will be tired and the need for the nutrients would be there, and so every nutrients that came in with the food we take will be absorb by the intestines. haa begitulah.

3] cardio first, then weight training. i've heard many variations of this, some say if you do weight training first then you'll burn more calories while doing cardio. but according to these particular personal trainer, cardio first. explanation: i x ingat. hahahahaha~

4] using treadmill, must wear running shoes. or if you're running outside ke jogging ke, applicable jugak kot. coz normal sport shoes don't have the support system designed to protect you ankles. [terpakse g beli tadi. haha. mahall pulak tuh. huish.]

5] i always thought we need to stretched before and after exercising. but nope, he said only stretched out after the whole exercise routine for the day is done.

explanation: when you first start exercising, your muscles are still hard,mcm frozen..kot. so you gotta let it soften up gradually. he gave me this example: imagine meat taken out from the freezer. it's hard, impossible to be stretched. that's how our muscles are right after waking up. if you forced the muscles to be stretched out jugak, might damaged it. but i think, perhaps klu dah mcm active before exercising tu okay kot.

6] muscles klu sakit, jangan pergi urut. it will damaged it even more. i forgot his explanation for this one too. hehehe.

7] drink loadssss of water. [classic advice kot. =P]

8] lepas exercise, don't put yourself in an air conditioned room, coz when you exercise your body has already been dehydrated, air-cond will only dehydrate it even more.

9] cardio+weight training+consistency= nice bod. hehe.

10] he said, note that this is his personal opinion.. for running shoes, his preferred brands would be adidas, new balance, or mizuno. nike, according to him, is designed beautifully, but not so in function and it doesn't last as long. [i love nike tho, cantekkk~~.but end up buying adidas gak, sb sy ikot la ckp die ni. he is a certified personal trainer, after all]

sooo that's it kot. xbyk pon [if i remembered more, i'll add up]. but he sure is cute. hahahahaha~ kinda look like kenji, actually.

i need 10 months to reach my ideal weight. need to burn 500 calories per day,every day. lame+tiring gile kot~ but at least it's under a year. so hopefully, by my birthday next year and my own wedding tah bile tah nanti [hehehe], i'll have a superb bod. insyaAllah. =)